Dissecting my depression

Sitting in the parking lot of Dillion’s while my husband purchased groceries for our camping trip, I felt a hot steady stream of tears roll down my face.

Depression. When it occurs it causes me to write ridiculously long sentences like the one above and I don’t know how to stop it. 

I typically try to pinpoint the trigger of my depression.

Is the dose of Zoloft I’m taking causing me to rapid cycle? Some studies show anti-depressants can cause rapid cycling (i.e. frequent shifts from depression to hypomania).

Is it my always evolving job description at work? I tend to get anxiety when I don’t have a clearly defined role.

Is it the changes in the weather? A cloudy, rainy forecast can get me down in the dumps.

Or is the routine stresses of my life? I mean stress would be what would cause a normal person to be depressed, right?

Sometimes I think it’s the reality of constant change, rather than the change itself, that causes my depression.

But no doubt levels of my serotonin and other hormones that cause my depression once the triggers go off.

During these times of depression, I just want to break free. Break free from the reprimands for all the ways I’m falling short. Break free from my mind that’s trapped in this foggy haze. Break free from this moment where I can’t see things clear.

I mustered the strength to get out of the car to go inside to inside Dillion’s to get a drink from Starbuck’s.

I don’t know how to break free. But at Starbuck’s I have control to chose my own destiny, at least as far as beverages are concerned. That morning I ordered a chilled lime refresher instead of my normal latte. And just maybe breaking free from my morning routine was enough to get me through the morning.