How to Handle Bipolar Triggers

When it comes to recovery, you have to know your triggers in order to overcome them. Last week I wrote a blog about bipolar being a deadly disease. The blog brought up a lot of triggers for me. After I posted it, I felt emotional drained and depressed. I found myself sobbing as my mind raced with fear.

Bipolar suicide is the source of this trigger. And there is a huge part of me that never wants to hear or think about people who have bipolar disorder and die by suicide. I don’t even want to hear or think about the people with bipolar disorder who attempt suicide, or partake in suicide behavior, or commit acts of self harm. In fact, many days I don’t want to think or hear about bipolar disorder at all.

That may seem like an odd thing for someone who has chosen to make a career as a mental health advocate. But the truth is I live in the tension that exists between my desire to live in a state of blissful denial, and my desire to fight for recovery and change.

When I choose to face my recovery head on, I’m forced to see that I’m only two weeks of missed doses away from hospitalization. I am strong. And determined. And smart. And kind. And all of the things that I want to be, but I’m also 100 percent reliant on mood stabilizers.

Reading about people who have died after getting off their medication scares me because I wonder if I’m only a couple of weeks worth of bad choices away from that fate. I can’t ignore these stories and statistics because they are real.

I also can’t ignore them because I want to live a world where people take this illness seriously. Somebody has to be a voice shouting out in the wilderness— declaring that bipolar disorder is not some cleaver adjective to describe your moody step sister. Bipolar disorder is a real illness that kills people.

But bipolar disorder is also an illness from which you can recover. I want people to know that as well. I love my life. With the right dosage of lithium, I’ve been able to do all things I wanted to do. I have a job that I love, a beautiful daughter, the best friends that anyone could ask for, and tomato plants growing on my deck. Sometimes I have to pinch myself.

So, how then should I deal with these triggers?

My coping mechanism thus far is to first and foremost let it bleed. I enable myself to cry and acknowledge my fears. Then I slowly talk myself off the ledge. After that I surround myself with friends who love and support me. And I listen to Touch of Grey by the Grateful Dead.

I will survive. And so will you. 

Managing my plate full of stress

I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. Like, I have more on my plate right now than an over-eater at Golden Coral.

I decided, just for the heck of it, to rate my stressful life events on the Stressful Life Events ListSocial Adjustment Rating Scale. Anything more than 300 means you are under high stress. I scored 334, which is a pretty conservative rating of my stress. In that past 15 months I have given birth, filed for divorce, moved, switched careers, moved to another state, and had a 75 percent reduction in my household income.

So that stuff happened. I understand that life happens. But when you have bipolar disorder life happens so fucking hard. Seriously. I often have to remind myself that this illness is real, and valid, and hard. So hard.

When I was hospitalized in 2005 I made friends with another woman who had bipolar type 1. I had just graduated from college. She had just bought her first home. Big events trigger episodes, both mania and depression.

I remember thinking when I left the hospital that I never wanted to have another big life event again. I couldn’t imagine myself with a husband and child and mortgage. I just wanted to play it safe.

But there’s nothing safe about life. It’s full of risks. Clearly I’ve taken my fair share. Some of the risks had a great return. Others taught me lessons that I take with me to this day.

I used to think that taking risks would land me back in the psych ward. You can’t go through stressful life events without becoming symptomatic. Over the past 12 months I’ve experienced two significant bouts of hypomania. One was uncomfortably close to mania. In both instances depression symptoms shortly followed after I scaled back on my antidepressant.

These ups and downs are part of being bipolar. It’s easy shrug them off as just “these ups and downs.” But truthfully, I felt so overwhelmed and worthless tonight that I had to phone a friend to remind myself that me living is a good thing.

It’s hard to understand how someone who has so much going for her can feel so worthless. It’s hard for me to understand, even as I experience it. How can I go from a flood of creative thoughts, from seeing everything as beautiful to feeling like my very existence is nothing more than burden on the unfortunate souls who happen to be my family? How do I go from feeling so wonderful to feeling so absolutely despicable? How do I go from loving myself to loathing myself faster that Kim Kardashian can change her hair back to brunette?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I probably never will. What I do know, is that I’m not in the hospital. My friend reminded that things suck, but I don’t. And my feelings, valid as they are, will pass. I ended the conversation and was able to read my daughter her bedtime stories, tuck her in, say her prayers, and see the beauty in her smile.

I’m not in the hospital. I have managed to get through some of my most trying times without any full-blown episodes. I’ve been symptomatic, for sure, but I haven’t had any full-blown episodes. That’s not just something. That’s everything.

Bit by bit, my plate’s gonna clear. These stresses will pass. And quite frankly as long as they are on a plate and not a hospital tray I’m going to call it a success.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

We somehow managed to drive to Colorado and back during the Snowpocalypse. Colorado seemed like a winter wonderland. And what's even better is I came back from my winter vacation just before the next snow storm hit and just in time to check out my guest blog for HealthyPlace.

Check out the guest blog here:

Bipolar Hypomania: How to Avoid it's Tempting Lure

 And remember to stay warm and healthy!

Simple fixes to cabin fever

Have a little cabin fever? Take a deep breath, sip some coco and read this blog.

I’m not sure if claustrophobia and cabin fever are closely linked, but I suspect that they are.

And I have no doubt that I suffer from both conditions. I never used to be claustrophobic, but over the past few years crowds make me anxious. I avoid crowded elevators, go to grocery store at off hours, and I chug a couple of PBRs before I go to any live music events. I just can’t handle the crowds.

And on snow days like this, my own house seems to be little crowded. Batman and Gunther, our cat and dog are a little feistier since it’s too cold for them to burn off energy outside. The sound of my husband snoring in front of the TV seems a little louder and a lot less adorable than it does on Sunday afternoons. Between the barking, meowing, snoring and voices of Swamp People blaring through our surround sound I can’t seem to put together a coherent thought.

I am a daily work-from-home gal. I just want my regular routine back.

And perhaps this Snowmegettan wouldn’t seem so overwhelming if we hadn’t just gotten over the Ear Infectionpocolipis last week. And my husband insists his ear infection isn’t completely healed. I’m not sure how long he thinks he can get away with using this as an excuse for not hearing anything I say. I’m guessing he might try to stretch out the ear infection thing to March Madness. Once March Madness starts my voice increases to a volume he can no longer deny hearing.

But, I digress. The truth is snow storms, close quarters, and reminders of global climate change are all triggers for anxiety for me.

How can I get my car out of my drive way tomorrow? How can I get my husband to stop snoring and wake up? How can reduce my carbon footprint?

These are all questions I asked myself this afternoon. And surprisingly I found answers to these questions as I started this blog.

1. The driveway will have to be shoveled if we are going anywhere tomorrow. This is common sense, I know, but during times of anxiety common sense leaves me.
2. The husband may feel manly and needed if I ask him to shovel the drive way. Or he may just say “Ugghh,” and do it anyways. Either way the snoring will stop and he will have to get dressed for the day.
3. And as for the carbon footprint thing. There are tons of ways to lesson my imprint. I can continue working from home, buy local meat and produce, and buy less prepackaged drinks. Arizona Tea seems to be our weakness.

These are simple solutions that are baby steps in many ways. Baby steps to decreasing my anxiety. Baby steps to slowing global climate change. Baby steps that make all the difference.

The underlying cause of nearly all of my anxiety is a feeling of helplessness, a lack of control.

I can’t always stop our dog howling, and have no sway over the weather, but I can chose how I react to these conditions. I can be the change, at least within my own sphere of influence.

I can bribe Gunther to quite down with cold cuts. I can fix hot chocolate for Logan and I as we watch the snow outside. I can remind the flood of questions going through my mind to take a chill pill by actually taking a chill pill. Klonopin works wonders during times like these.

When you start to feel anxious, whether it be cabin fever or just a trip to Target on a Saturday, I encourage you to write down your anxious thoughts and see if you can find simple solutions to the problems, or ways to debunk your irrational thoughts.

This seems to help me. Particularly if I do the exercise while drinking hot cocoa. Cheers to the first big Kansas snow storm of the year.

Do's and Don'ts for the Holiday Season

I enjoy Christmas lights and eggnog as much as the next gal, but let’s face it most of us experience more stress than good tidings during the holidays.

Over the years I’ve found ways to make the holidays, not just bearable, but actually enjoyable. I know this is is shocking, right? Unless is not shocking and you are one of those lucky people with fond memories of your childhood Christmases. If that’s the case you can go ahead and skip this blog and get back to browsing Pintrest for homemade Christmas decorations.

Here are some Do’s and Don’t’s for the holiday season for those of you who, like me, may experience anxiety during this time of holiday cheer.

Do set healthy boundaries. Remember you can’t be everything to everyone. And if you come from a split family and/or are in a relationship you likely have at least four places to attend each holiday. Find what works best for you and your household and stick to it. This may mean saying no to some invites, but remember your sanity is just as important as the feelings of your Great Aunt and third-cousin twice removed.

Don’t allow guilt trips from your family or in-laws to get to you. I’m not a mother yet, but it seems that somewhere during the labor and delivery process mothers receive these superpowers that allow them to give guilt trips like no other. I’m very lucky that my mother doesn’t use these during the holidays. But if I didn’t set healthy boundaries she might be tempted to. She is, after all, a mother.

Do reach out to your doctor if your anxiety and depression starts to get worse this time of year. An antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication can help regulate your moods in a safe and healthy way.

Don’t self medicate. There is a difference between having a glass or two (or three!) of wine at a Christmas party and turning to alcohol to drown your sorrows and numb your pain. The former is fun and festive the later is dysfunctional and self destructive.

Do create traditions that are meaningful for you. My husband and I try to go to the Christmas Eve service every year as our “tradition.” I say try because we’ve only actually went once. One year there was a blizzard so bad that churches actually cancelled their Christmas Eve services. Every other year he has worked and this year he’s on-call. So, maybe that tradition was a bad example, but you get what I mean.

Don’t set your expectations too high. Things happen and the holidays are never as picture-perfect as they are on TV. Unless they are for you, in which case why are you still reading this blog? Shouldn’t you be on Pintrest?

Do give yourself lots of grace. So you didn’t pick out the perfect gift for your mother-in-law? No biggie. So you burned the pre-made sugar cookies? Who cares. You forgot the date and time of your extended family gathering? Don’t worry, there’s always next year.

Don’t completely shut down. It’s not healthy to isolate yourself from your loved ones when feel depressed or anxious, but it’s what we tend to do. If you feel yourself shutting down, take a minute and reach out to your “safe” person. It could be your best friend, or your spouse, or you sister. Whoever it is for you, reach out. Don’t keep yourself in isolation.

Do feel free to leave comments if you found this blog helpful.

Don’t stop reading this blog if you are one of those people who have great holidays. I forgive you for continuing to read even after you were instructed to go to Pintrest.

Dissecting my depression

Sitting in the parking lot of Dillion’s while my husband purchased groceries for our camping trip, I felt a hot steady stream of tears roll down my face.

Depression. When it occurs it causes me to write ridiculously long sentences like the one above and I don’t know how to stop it. 

I typically try to pinpoint the trigger of my depression.

Is the dose of Zoloft I’m taking causing me to rapid cycle? Some studies show anti-depressants can cause rapid cycling (i.e. frequent shifts from depression to hypomania).

Is it my always evolving job description at work? I tend to get anxiety when I don’t have a clearly defined role.

Is it the changes in the weather? A cloudy, rainy forecast can get me down in the dumps.

Or is the routine stresses of my life? I mean stress would be what would cause a normal person to be depressed, right?

Sometimes I think it’s the reality of constant change, rather than the change itself, that causes my depression.

But no doubt levels of my serotonin and other hormones that cause my depression once the triggers go off.

During these times of depression, I just want to break free. Break free from the reprimands for all the ways I’m falling short. Break free from my mind that’s trapped in this foggy haze. Break free from this moment where I can’t see things clear.

I mustered the strength to get out of the car to go inside to inside Dillion’s to get a drink from Starbuck’s.

I don’t know how to break free. But at Starbuck’s I have control to chose my own destiny, at least as far as beverages are concerned. That morning I ordered a chilled lime refresher instead of my normal latte. And just maybe breaking free from my morning routine was enough to get me through the morning.

Boundaries and other (forced) blessings of bipolar disorder

When the psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar in some ways it felt as though a load of bricks  has been taken off of my shoulders. Finally there was explanation to the craziness inside of me.

I wanted so desperately to get back to normal, or at least my version of normal. In the seven years since my diagnosis, I’ve come to look at my life and the world differently. I consider this new perspective a blessing (that is unless I’m in the midst of depression, in which case nothing seems like a blessing).

This new perspective has forced me to acknowledge my own boundaries and recognize my triggers.

I used to thrive on a busy workload. At one point during college I worked three jobs and had full course load. I started my first job after college as an education reporter for a suburban paper. I covered four school districts and stayed as busy as I could. I attended school board meetings, wrote stories, and brainstormed ideas for future stories.

I thrived on this energy. I always had. But my brain chemicals betrayed me the summer I started my first full-time job.

The normal energy I had enjoyed catapulted into mania. Those of you who are bipolar type 1 know the beauty and brutality that is mania. For those of you who don’t, imagine smoking crack and tripping acid at the same time. You have infinite energy, no inhibitions, and flights of ideas. This is all well and good, until the high energy and no inhibitions you gets into trouble. And your flights of ideas transition from creative to crazy.

I learned after my diagnosis that my days of 60-hour-work weeks had to be a thing of the past. I have maintained a full time job ever since my diagnosis, except for the 11-months of unemployment that I had after a newspaper layoff. I am capable of full-time work. I’ve heard of people who have bipolar who are not able to work full time and I feel very grateful that a 40-hour work week does not put me over the edge.

But I also know that a pattern of 10 and 12 hour days does. In the post-recession America a 40-hour work week seems to be a thing of the past, particularly for salaried employees.

Every employee has to find their own work/home life balance. My bipolar disorder forces me to be firm with mine. If I didn’t have this illness, I probably wouldn’t have such solid boundaries, but I honestly look at this as a blessing.

Everyone should strive to have a balance between their work an home life. Because I know that overwork and lack of sleep can trigger mania and/or depression, I don’t feel guilty about working only eight hours during the day and sleeping nine hours at night. I know myself, and I know I function best within these parameters.

I know myself, because managing this disorder requires that I do so. And perhaps that is the greatest blessing I have received from this beast we call bipolar.