Three Steps to Press Through Anxiety

Doctors are often the worst patients. And when it comes to taking advice, us bloggers are also the worst. The. Very. Worst.

This afternoon I was writing a blog about living in the now. I know how to tell people to live in the now. I know why worry doesn’t help situations. I understand the concept of mindfullness, but good luck getting me to practice it when a strong bout of anxiety hits.

Today, while writing my piece on living in the now, worries flooded my mind. Worries about the past, previous blogs I had written, obligations I don’t have time to commit to, bills I don’t have money to pay. The list goes on and on and on.

The worst part about anxiety is that you can’t rationalize your way out of it. So, how do I overcome my anxiety? What tricks do I pull out of my sleeve? Truth is, I don’t have any magical advice, but here are few things that help me press through my anxiety.

Acknowledge the pain and fear

I’ve learned over the years that my fear and anxiety is not inherently bad or wrong. These feelings and emotions are real so I allow my self to acknowledge them. I allow myself to cry and say this sucks. I allow myself to voice the overwhelmingness. I allow to do this because it helps me move on.

Address what you have control over and let go of the rest

Everyone who suffers from anxiety should memorize the serenity prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

There are things in this life that are beyond our control. Letting go of these things is an important step in overcoming anxiety.

Allow yourself to be distracted

Anxiety works like a cancer of the mind — infiltrating our thoughts and then spreading. I’ve found the best way to halt these deceptive thoughts is to distract myself from them. Going for a drive, taking a walk with a friend, watching Netflix, or even Tweeting, are all helpful distractions. Find what works for you and use it.

This is not a 1, 2, 3 cure for anxiety. I don’t have anything that magical to share. But this is what works for me in real life. Hope it can work for you too.

This damn bipolar weather

People often refer to Kansas weather as bipolar. And that description is 100 percent true this week. (By Kansas I also mean Kansas City, just to clarify.)

This seriously was this weeks weather forecast. WTF!?

Yesterday the high was 72. I’ve been going for runs after work. I’ve had enough energy to cook when I get home AND play with my daughter. Life has been great during this January spring.

Doing my nails is a sure 

sign that I'm hypomanic. 

Perhaps I’ve been a little hypomanic, too. I sold a lot of things online and in return did a little shopping, organized my closet, did my nails, and of course thought of tons and tons of stories that I can turn into to blogs and/or chapters. I thought of story ideas to pitch for freelance assignments. My mind was flowing like the soda fountain at Sonic during happy hour.

Alas today’s high is 48 with clouds, which, to be fair, isn’t bad for January in Kansas. But the clouds have messed with my mojo. (I also may have forgotten to take my anit-depressant last night.) My mojo has been messed with. This morning I closed and locked the door to my office so no clients would walk in on me crying. (I manage a supportive living apartment for clients who have mental illnesses and while I strive to "keep it real," there are limits on just how vulnerable I want to be.)

But if I am going to keep in real, this is what bipolar weather looks like for a bipolar person disorder.

This is what depression looks like. 

It's the most genuine selfie I've ever

taken.

It looks like tears in black and white. That’s what it looks like. That’s what if feels like. But just like the weather in Kansas, the depressive darkness that I feel right now will pass. And I have been giving the chance to live, an opportunity that seemed completely out of reach 10 years ago.

I have been given the chance to live AND a little life to care for and steward. 

It's hard to believe that this precious little one belongs to me.

I have been given the chance to live AND a career where I get to help people and live out my passion. 

I feel honored to be part of the team at 

Mental Health America of the Heartland,

providing hope for other consumers of mental

health care.

I have been given the chance to live AND amazing friends and family to share that life with. 

My daughter and sister, two of the kindest, 

most beautiful people you will ever meet.

The bottom line is I have been given the chance to live. Sure, I’m living with bipolar disorder and it’s hard. How hard? Harder than you’ll ever know if you aren’t experiencing it. It’s hard, but that’s life and thank God I’ve been given the chance to live. 

These boots weren't made for walkin'

I’m convinced that I gave birth to the happiest baby alive. This week she’s teething and has an ear infection but you would never know based on the bright smile that beams from her face.

Before I gave birth to my daughter I worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the challenges of motherhood, particularly as someone who has bipolar disorder.

What I worried about most was my sleep schedule. I've done extremely well on Lithium, but it’s always been combined with 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night and biweekly therapy sessions. As a new mom I knew I wouldn't have time for as much sleep or therapy as I was used to.

But when I held my daughter for the first time all of those fears melted. And my daughter turned out to be one of those easy babies. She’s happy nearly all of the time. She follows a schedule that she set for herself and she follows it to the T. Up until this last week she slept from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. most nights. She crawls to me to let me know when she needs her diaper changed. She coos and babbles and gives sweet kisses. In a nut shell, she’s perfect.

But even perfect babies face obstacles, such as teething and ear infections. This week these obstacles came to life at bedtime. And then again at midnight, 4 a.m. and 6 a.m.

By 7 a.m. when I got up for the day I felt worn out. Beyond worn out.

On Tuesday morning I fed my achy, teething baby. I rocked her back to sleep and she napped just enough for me to take a shower. But not long enough for me to get dressed. Thank God she likes her swing. Running late, I threw on a dress and realized much to my demise that I had accidentally given away one of the boots that I had planned to keep to the church garage sale. I didn’t accidentally give away the wrong pair of boots, rather I gave one boot of the pair I intended to keep and kept one boot of the pair that I intended to give away. So, I’m now the proud owner of a mismatched pair of tall black boots. Frustrated as my little one started crying again, I ripped off my mismatched boots and slid on my black Toms.

After dropping my daughter off at daycare I had to rush off to a downtown boutique to get some cutline information for my column about boots. Even in my frazzled state, I had to smile at the irony. I showed up at the store with no makeup and half dried hair.

I offered up an explanation for my disheveled appearance.

“My baby is teething and has an ear infection,” I said to the store manager as she gave me the information I needed.

“Oh, I’m a mom I totally understand,” she said. “I have two little ones so I've been there and am still doing that.”

By “still doing that,” she meant surviving on less sleep than seems humanly possible. For me becoming a mother seems a lot like becoming a super hero. I've found myself capable of things I never knew possible. There are no depths to the love I have for my daughter. But some mornings my superhuman mom powers don’t kick in.

As I said goodbye to the woman in the store she turned to me and smiled.

“Have a good day,” she said. “We appreciate you.”

Those three words “We appreciate you” spoke volumes to my soul.

To live a life of gratitude, sometimes it’s important to see that others appreciate us. In my sleep deprived state, I needed to hear that I was appreciated. This woman’s small act of kindness in sharing her gratitude to me enabled me to face the day with a spirit of gratitude instead of a spirit of defeat.

We appreciate you. Who can you share those three powerful words with today?

5 things I learned from depression

I don’t like to write about depression. I don’t like to talk about depression. I don’t like think about depression. I don’t like to acknowledge that depression even exists. I would rather steal the words of The Bloggess Jenny Lawson and say “Let’s pretend this never happened,” when it comes to depression.

I’ve lost too many days to depression as is and the reality of bipolar disorder is that the possibility of another episode of depression is always on the horizon.

Sometimes you can do all the things you are supposed to do- stay hydrated, exercise, eat healthy- and you can’t escape the slip into darkness. This weekend I felt a numbness in the place where joy usually resides. It was husband’s birthday, KU was killing it on the court in the Big 12 Tournament, yet I felt nothing but pain. It hurts to think about depression because I know I’ll never get those days back. Those opportunities for celebration are gone. And I’ve already lost too many days to this disorder as is.

I don’t want to think about, or talk about, or write about depression, but I am because if the lessons I’ve learned can help even one person then maybe, just maybe, my lost days will have some redemption.

So here’s what I’ve learned about depression:

1. Get help sooner rather than later. I know, you think you can do it on your own. Or maybe you think you don’t deserve help. Or maybe you think you can’t afford help. Or maybe you think you can pray this demon away. There a million reasons not to get professional help. IGNORE ALL OF THEM. I lost a lot of days listing reasons why I shouldn’t get help. And I will never get those days back. You can start with your primary care doctor but I always recommend follow up with a psychiatrist. If you have bipolar disorder SSRI’s, which are often used to treat depression, could trigger a manic or hypomanic episode.
2. If you EVER, EVER, have thoughts of hurting yourself or fixations of death call your doctor immediately. If you don’t have a doctor call the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 1 (800) 784-2433. I know this can be the hardest thing to talk about. Trust me, I’ve been there. There is so much judgement surrounding suicide and you may think that no one will understand what you are going through. The truth is, you may be right about no one understanding, but there are people who can help even if they don’t understand your condition completely.
3. Let your friends/family/significant other be there for you. This too can be hard. You may think of yourself as charity case, but I can assure you that your loved ones don’t. They care about you. Let them take you to lunch and stay by your side as you ride this out. If you are lucky enough to have loved ones that are there for you, for God’s sake let them be there for you.
4. Stick to your routine as much as possible while you ride out this storm. Continue to exercise, meditate and go to work if possible. Go through the motions. Even if you are only going through the motions while you wait for your medications to adjust it will make the transition back to health easier than if you cave into the urge and stay in bed all day.
5. Know your support team. My husband, best friend and therapist are the three people I know I can be completely honest with, even if my darkest moments. I know these people will never give up on me and they are who I turn to when I start to feel the darkness rising. Identify your support team and don’t be afraid to cling to them.

Life is tough and messy and depression can make life unmanageable. But there is hope. There is life after depression. That is what I always tell myself. And to be honest I’ve had days where I don’t even believe those words even as I tell them to myself. But on the other side of depression I’m so glad that I hung on even when I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.