Choose Your Own Adventure: Mountain Edition

I remember discovering the Choose Your Own Adventure books in my Uncle Rob’s apartment — right next to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I read every Choose Your Own Adventure book that he had. And with methodical procession I would read every possibility that the book allowed. I proceeded to check all of the Choose Your Own Adventure books out of the library. At 10, I felt like quite a bad ass for transitioning from the Baby Sitters Club series to this adventure literature that even boys read.

As a grownup I’ve realized that life is nothing more than a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I’ve flipped to the wrong page plenty of times, but that’s never stopped me from going back and choosing the path I want.

I think that’s a big, big part of mental health recovery. We are choosing our own adventure and even when we don’t get it right the first time there are always chances to flip back a few pages and choose the path you want.

This summer I traveled to Colorado to visit some family and friends and see a concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater. I saw a concert at Red Rocks a few years ago, but it wasn’t the experience I had hoped for. I spun that night into an inspirational blog about rock climbing because that’s what I do and at the time that seemed like all I knew how to do.

These are the words I wrote back in 2013: 

The secret to successful bipolar treatment is to always, always envision your next move. See yourself at the top of that rock. Name that rock. Because the stability you’ll experience at the top is yours and you should own it.

I wrote those words during what was a privately dark time in my life, but they remain true. A lot has changed since 2013, but I’m naming my rock. I’m still climbing with avengenance. And now I know that I don’t just own the rock that I’m climbing — I own my whole story. And let me tell you this adventure is going to have a fabulous ending.

I redid my Red Rocks experience in August. I had some friends tag along to see Yonder Mountain String Band because my friends are awesome and always seem to be up for anything. My friends left during intermission of the headliner. (People who don’t normally attend jam band concerts don’t realize they are six hour ordeals.)

I decided to stay and made my way toward the front.  Before I knew it, I began dancing like no one was watching. I felt free. I realized that after years of living a fragmented life trying to spin things into an appropriate message, I finally felt whole. I finally felt like there was no need to spin. I could just be me among the mountains.

Today, I still feel whole. I am choosing my own adventure. I am owning the story. And I am writing the ending. 

Live your best life now in three steps

About fifteen months ago I slipped into a catatonic-like depression. Sure, I could move, but barely. I had recently given birth to my daughter and the Zoloft my doctor had prescribed hadn’t kicked in. I have bipolar disorder so we knew the chances of postpartum depression would be high.                 

With my baby less than two weeks old I found myself unable to get out bed. I was able to press through with the help of some sayings I learned in Al-Anon. These mantras helped me be my best self and I’m convinced that they can work for you too.

Do the next best thing. 

Life can be overwhelming, especially when you have a mental illness. It’s hard to project into the future, but you can always do the next best thing in the present. When I felt crippled by depression, early in my post-partum experience, at one point the next best thing for me was simply setting up and holding my baby. So, I sat up. I held my baby. My depression didn’t automatically go away, but that step led me closer to the light. That step enabled me to live my best life at the moment.

Stop Worrying. 

Worry takes us out of the here and now and holds us hostage in past regrets or future concerns. Don’t get trapped in worry. Acknowledge the concern, address the aspects that are in your control, and let go of the rest. I recently learned to let go of my need to control and “fix” problems that I never had control of to begin with. As a result I no longer experience the anxiety and panic attacks that used to plague my days.

Pause for poise. 

Whatever you are doing, pause. Take a deep breath. Think of something that makes you smile. Take time to focus on the things that make you smile. This exercise will help you relax, focus and remember why you want to be your best self in the first place.

I still have days that are difficult. Depression and anxiety will always be part of my life. But day by day, I’m doing my best. Some days aren’t as great as others, but I chose not to worry about that. There’s no time to worry about yesterday when you are living your best life now.