About four years ago I wrote a piece for Relevant magazine on sexuality. The editor was interested in my pitch. I mean, really, how do we reconcile polygamy and the sell of virgin brides with our concept of sex and marriage.
For whatever reason, Relevant never ran my story. Maybe because I didn't package it in a way that concludes that event though things don't make sense we should still abstain because that's what the Bible says. That's how Lauren Winner concluded her book "Real Sex."
The problem with Winner's stance is that those Biblical concepts don't fit with into the kind of relationships we have today. And I don't think abstinence always represents the kind of honestly and integrity Christ calls us to.
Here is the piece I wrote for Relevant that never ran:
If you search for “Biblical
marriage” online, more than 27 million hits come up.
Biblical marriage —
it’s the ideal for which Christians are
taught to strive. From a young age girls are taught to save their virginity for
their future husband and boys are taught to wait for the special girl who will
someday be his bride. Churches teach the principles of Biblical marriage, but
often these principles are detached from the stories of actual marriages in the
Bible.
What does it mean
to be married during Biblical times? How do Biblical marriages apply to 21st
century Christian relationships? And what does Jesus’ teachings have to say about any of
this?
A look into Biblical marriages
Marriage during the
time of the Old Testament in Israel and the Ancient Near East doesn’t fit into our modern model of love
and marriage.
According to the
Anchor Bible Dictionary, girls during Biblical times married around the age of
puberty and men married between ages 14 and 20.
Parents arranged
marriages and some husbands had multiple wives.
Whether the
marriage was monogamous or polygamous, the husband expected a virgin bride. The
culture took these mandate so seriously that, according to Deuteronomy 22:13-21
the parents of a girl kept the sheets from her wedding night to prove she was a
virgin in case her husband accused her of being impure.
The text goes on to
say that if there is no blood-stained sheet to prove women’s virginity then, “she
shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town
shall stone her to death.”
Pretty serious
consequence for a women who has no proof of her virginity. The Old Testament
does not, however, require grooms to be virgins before they enter the marriage
bed.
“Historically speaking Christians and
Christian theology in general has been interested in protecting the virginity
of women and not of men,” said Leslie Dorrough Smith, assistant professor of
religious studies at Avila University.
The patriarchal
society of ancient Israel is demonstrated in every aspect of the marriage
process during Biblical times.
Fathers arranged
the marriage of their daughters with the families of the potential groom. The
groom, or groom’s
family, paid a bride price before the wedding.
While followers of
Jesus take inspiration from the Old Testament, mainstream evangelicals don’t follow Biblical traditions such as
arranged marriage, polygamy or the bride price.
“It’s just so tricky to read back into the
old testament because their culture is so different than ours,” said
Jessi Marcus, a graduate of Fuller Theological Seminary and staff member at
Jacob’s Well Church in Kansas City, Mo.
One tradition that
has lasted over the years is the ideal of a virgin bride.
A look into relationships today
Today evangelical
churches teach abstinence for men and women. The decision to wait is no longer
the law of the land, but rather adolescents are told to save their virginity
for true love. And the wait for true love can be longer than many Christians
anticipate.
The average age of
marriage today is 26 for women and 28 for men, according to the United States
Census.
With people waiting
longer to wed, many are not surprised that even most evangelicals opt to engage
in sex before marriage.
A 2009 study conducted
by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, revealed that
80 percent of self-identified unmarried evangelicals between the ages 18 and 29
have had sex.
Jessica Lewis, 22,
a junior at Simpson University, said the statistics about premarital sex among
Christians do not surprise her.
“I know a lot of my friends didn’t wait or aren’t waiting until they are married,” Lewis
said. “That’s definitely American culture, doing
what feels good.”
Lewis said most of
the Christians she knew who had sex before marriage did so before they knew the
value of abstinence or as an act of rebellion.
But some young
adults who grew up in the church describe the decision to have sex before
marriage as more than a lack of
awareness or act of rebellion.
“Growing up I was in the pro-waiting
camp,” said 26-year-old Ani Collins, a Kansas City resident who
grew up in an evangelical church.
But as Collins
became an adult she said she started to question many of her views and realized
that she wanted to experience sex and didn’t want to wait until marriage to do
so.
“I was 22 when I lost my virginity,” Collins
said.
Though the
relationship with the man Collins lost her virginity to didn’t work out she said she does not
regret the experience.
“I really felt like once I had sex and
experienced that it became a manageable part of my life,” Collins
said.
Collins eventually
did meet the love of her life and they wed last year. While she doesn’t self-identify as an evangelical
Christian, she remains active with a Christian church.
“That is just indicative of what a
fabulous group of people they are,” Collins said. “I didn’t feel judged by anyone ever at that
church even though I’m
quite certain that most of them disagreed with that life choice that I made.”
But Collins’ candor about her sexuality and
acceptance among her Christian fellowship might
be the exception rather than the rule among evangelicals.
“I have known some girls who have said,
‘It doesn’t get in the way between me and God,’ but I’ve seen very quickly how it does,” Lewis
said. “They kind of drop off the face of
fellowship and community.”
Lewis said she
thinks some sexually active women retreat from the church community because of
the judgement they feel.
“They know it’s not accepted by the church
community,” she said.
A look into Jesus’ thoughts on marriage and relationships
Jesus doesn’t
give much guidance on the issue of marriage. In his Sermon on the Mount he
gives radical views on adultery and divorce.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You
shall not commit adultery.’ But I
tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart,” Jesus says in Matt. 5:27-28.
Jesus
went on to speak of the injustice that occurred when men divorced their wives.
In those times men could present a certificate of divorce to one of his wives
when he no longer wanted to be married to her. This put the women in a
marginalized position in society as divorcee.
“It has been said, ‘Anyone
who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who
divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of
adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery,” Jesus
says in Matt. 5:31-32.
In
these passages Jesus addresses two key issues: first the intent of one’s heart and second the
protection of the disenfranchised.
Jesus
seems less interested in the act of sex, as he is in the posture of one’s heart. And he doesn’t portray wives as property
that can be easily discarded. Rather he appears to protect the dignity of women
with his stance on divorce.
Throughout
the Gospels Jesus preaches radical a grace that instructs his followers to love
others with a pure heart. Jesus’ two greatest
commandments are to love God and love others.
It’s the love of God and their
partners that compels some Christians to abstain from sex until they are
married.
“The two greatest commandments that he
asks us to apply to our whole life, apply to our spousal relationship as well,” said
Jeanne Damon, director of adult discipleship at Christ United Methodist Church
in Sugarland, Texas. “My husband and I waited and we don’t really have the baggage that other
couples have.”
The patriarchal
society in which the Bible was written sets up a double standard with regards
to sexuality. But that double standard does not have to be applied for purity
to be a priority among Christians today.
“If you have the same standards for
both it’s
hard to call it objectifying,” said Bernadette Brooten, professor of Christian studies at
Brandeis University. “The
problem is when you have a different standard.”
Damon said when she
and her husband decided to reserve sex for marriage it sanctified her sexuality
rather than objectified it.
“I think the objectification is from
all these people in the media who don’t
take marriage seriously,” Damon said.
When it comes to a
Biblical perspective of relationships, Marcus recommends that Christians look
at the concept of covenant, which is portrayed between God and humanity
throughout scriptures.
“I do think there is a call for
covenantal, faithful members of marriage,” Marcus said. “To me that covenant theology is the
Gospel. It’s
the basis for my faith.”
Lewis hopes to
someday share the covenant of marriage. And she said it’s that covenant that encourages her to
remain sex-free until marriage.
“By having sex with someone you are
uniting yourself to them in a way that is very sacred,” Lewis
said. “It’s such an intimate and spiritual
thing.”
Collins said she
thinks abstinence can be a good thing, but as an adult the choice of whether or
not to have sex should made by each individual. She said when she took
ownership of her sexuality in a genuine and honest way it helped her grow as a
person.
“That has really helped my
spirituality,” Collins said. “I don’t
just have to blindly believe something. I can have a dialog about it.”
Marriage during
Biblical times occurred more like a business transaction than a love story and
the marriage purchase included a woman’s
virginity. Today our Christian ideals of sexual purity encourage both men and
women to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. Unfortunately, studies and
anecdotal evidence suggest that most Christians do not live up this ideal.
So what would Jesus
have to say about this?
“Love one another as I have loved you
and treat others and you would want to be treated. Those are basic Biblical
principals from Jesus,” said Connie Wacht, senior minister at First Christian
Church in Vinton, Iowa. “He wanted people to have lives that
were relational and filled with well being. In any kind of relationship, sexual
or not, the question for me is, are there aspects in that relationship that
promote the well being of those partners?”
Perhaps Jesus would
draw Christians away from mindsets that focus on shame, guilt and lines drawn
in the sand, and instead bring the focus back to His message of being genuine,
honest, respectful and loving, however that plays out in one’s sex life.
