What in the Heaven Does Biblical Sex and Marriage Look Like

About four years ago I wrote a piece for Relevant magazine on sexuality. The editor was interested in my pitch. I mean, really, how do we reconcile polygamy and the sell of virgin brides with our concept of sex and marriage. 

For whatever reason, Relevant never ran my story. Maybe because I didn't package it in a way that concludes that event though things don't make sense we should still abstain because that's what the Bible says. That's how Lauren Winner concluded her book "Real Sex." 

The problem with Winner's stance is that those Biblical concepts don't fit with into the kind of relationships we have today. And I don't think abstinence always represents the kind of honestly and integrity Christ calls us to. 

This disturbing blog compelled me to go ahead and post what I have written on the subject. 

Here is the piece I wrote for Relevant that never ran: 

If you search for “Biblical marriage” online, more than 27 million hits come up.

Biblical marriage — it’s the ideal for which Christians are taught to strive. From a young age girls are taught to save their virginity for their future husband and boys are taught to wait for the special girl who will someday be his bride. Churches teach the principles of Biblical marriage, but often these principles are detached from the stories of actual marriages in the Bible.

What does it mean to be married during Biblical times? How do Biblical marriages apply to 21st century Christian relationships? And what does Jesus’ teachings have to say about any of this? 

A look into Biblical marriages

Marriage during the time of the Old Testament in Israel and the Ancient Near East doesn’t fit into our modern model of love and marriage.

According to the Anchor Bible Dictionary, girls during Biblical times married around the age of puberty and men married between ages 14 and 20.

Parents arranged marriages and some husbands had multiple wives.

Whether the marriage was monogamous or polygamous, the husband expected a virgin bride. The culture took these mandate so seriously that, according to Deuteronomy 22:13-21 the parents of a girl kept the sheets from her wedding night to prove she was a virgin in case her husband accused her of being impure.

The text goes on to say that if there is no blood-stained sheet to prove women’s virginity then, “she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death.”

Pretty serious consequence for a women who has no proof of her virginity. The Old Testament does not, however, require grooms to be virgins before they enter the marriage bed.

“Historically speaking Christians and Christian theology in general has been interested in protecting the virginity of women and not of men,” said Leslie Dorrough Smith, assistant professor of religious studies at Avila University.

The patriarchal society of ancient Israel is demonstrated in every aspect of the marriage process during Biblical times.

Fathers arranged the marriage of their daughters with the families of the potential groom. The groom, or groom’s family, paid a bride price before the wedding.

While followers of Jesus take inspiration from the Old Testament, mainstream evangelicals don’t follow Biblical traditions such as arranged marriage, polygamy or the bride price.

“It’s just so tricky to read back into the old testament because their culture is so different than ours,” said Jessi Marcus, a graduate of Fuller Theological Seminary and staff member at Jacob’s Well Church in Kansas City, Mo.

One tradition that has lasted over the years is the ideal of a virgin bride.

A look into relationships today

Today evangelical churches teach abstinence for men and women. The decision to wait is no longer the law of the land, but rather adolescents are told to save their virginity for true love. And the wait for true love can be longer than many Christians anticipate.

The average age of marriage today is 26 for women and 28 for men, according to the United States Census.

With people waiting longer to wed, many are not surprised that even most evangelicals opt to engage in sex before marriage.

A 2009 study conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, revealed that 80 percent of self-identified unmarried evangelicals between the ages 18 and 29 have had sex.

Jessica Lewis, 22, a junior at Simpson University, said the statistics about premarital sex among Christians do not surprise her.

“I know a lot of my friends didn’t wait or aren’t waiting until they are married,” Lewis said.  “That’s definitely American culture, doing what feels good.”

Lewis said most of the Christians she knew who had sex before marriage did so before they knew the value of abstinence or as an act of rebellion.

But some young adults who grew up in the church describe the decision to have sex before marriage  as more than a lack of awareness or act of rebellion.

“Growing up I was in the pro-waiting camp,” said 26-year-old Ani Collins, a Kansas City resident who grew up in an evangelical church.

But as Collins became an adult she said she started to question many of her views and realized that she wanted to experience sex and didn’t want to wait until marriage to do so.

“I was 22 when I lost my virginity,” Collins said.

Though the relationship with the man Collins lost her virginity to didn’t work out she said she does not regret the experience.

“I really felt like once I had sex and experienced that it became a manageable part of my life,” Collins said.

Collins eventually did meet the love of her life and they wed last year. While she doesn’t self-identify as an evangelical Christian, she remains active with a Christian church.

“That is just indicative of what a fabulous group of people they are,” Collins said. “I didn’t feel judged by anyone ever at that church even though I’m quite certain that most of them disagreed with that life choice that I made.”

But Collins’ candor about her sexuality and acceptance among her Christian fellowship might  be the exception rather than the rule among evangelicals.

“I have known some girls who have said, ‘It doesn’t get in the way between me and God,’ but I’ve seen very quickly how it does,” Lewis said. “They kind of drop off the face of fellowship and community.”

Lewis said she thinks some sexually active women retreat from the church community because of the judgement they feel.

“They know it’s not accepted by the church community,” she said.

A look into Jesus’ thoughts on marriage and relationships 

Jesus doesn’t give much guidance on the issue of marriage. In his Sermon on the Mount he gives radical views on adultery and divorce.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” Jesus says in Matt. 5:27-28.

Jesus went on to speak of the injustice that occurred when men divorced their wives. In those times men could present a certificate of divorce to one of his wives when he no longer wanted to be married to her. This put the women in a marginalized position in society as divorcee.

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery,” Jesus says in Matt. 5:31-32.

In these passages Jesus addresses two key issues: first the intent of one’s heart and second the protection of the disenfranchised.

Jesus seems less interested in the act of sex, as he is in the posture of one’s heart. And he doesn’t portray wives as property that can be easily discarded. Rather he appears to protect the dignity of women with his stance on divorce.

Throughout the Gospels Jesus preaches radical a grace that instructs his followers to love others with a pure heart. Jesus’ two greatest commandments are to love God and love others.

It’s the love of God and their partners that compels some Christians to abstain from sex until they are married.

“The two greatest commandments that he asks us to apply to our whole life, apply to our spousal relationship as well,” said Jeanne Damon, director of adult discipleship at Christ United Methodist Church in Sugarland, Texas. “My husband and I waited and we don’t really have the baggage that other couples have.”

The patriarchal society in which the Bible was written sets up a double standard with regards to sexuality. But that double standard does not have to be applied for purity to be a priority among Christians today.

“If you have the same standards for both it’s hard to call it objectifying,” said Bernadette Brooten, professor of Christian studies at Brandeis University.  “The problem is when you have a different standard.”

Damon said when she and her husband decided to reserve sex for marriage it sanctified her sexuality rather than objectified it.

“I think the objectification is from all these people in the media who don’t take marriage seriously,” Damon said.

When it comes to a Biblical perspective of relationships, Marcus recommends that Christians look at the concept of covenant, which is portrayed between God and humanity throughout scriptures.

“I do think there is a call for covenantal, faithful members of marriage,” Marcus said. “To me that covenant theology is the Gospel. It’s the basis for my faith.”

Lewis hopes to someday share the covenant of marriage. And she said it’s that covenant that encourages her to remain sex-free until marriage.

“By having sex with someone you are uniting yourself to them in a way that is very sacred,” Lewis said. “It’s such an intimate and spiritual thing.”

Collins said she thinks abstinence can be a good thing, but as an adult the choice of whether or not to have sex should made by each individual. She said when she took ownership of her sexuality in a genuine and honest way it helped her grow as a person.

“That has really helped my spirituality,” Collins said. “I don’t just have to blindly believe something. I can have a dialog about it.”

Marriage during Biblical times occurred more like a business transaction than a love story and the marriage purchase included a woman’s virginity. Today our Christian ideals of sexual purity encourage both men and women to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. Unfortunately, studies and anecdotal evidence suggest that most Christians do not live up this ideal.

So what would Jesus have to say about this?

“Love one another as I have loved you and treat others and you would want to be treated. Those are basic Biblical principals from Jesus,” said Connie Wacht, senior minister at First Christian Church in Vinton, Iowa. “He wanted people to have lives that were relational and filled with well being. In any kind of relationship, sexual or not, the question for me is, are there aspects in that relationship that promote the well being of those partners?”

Perhaps Jesus would draw Christians away from mindsets that focus on shame, guilt and lines drawn in the sand, and instead bring the focus back to His message of being genuine, honest, respectful and loving, however that plays out in one’s sex life.