Perfect in all her Imperfections

I am officially on pregnancy watch at my doctor’s office.

Before you start to get to excited I should let you know that I’m not actually trying to get pregnant yet. We are far from removing the goalie.

But apparently when you are on lithium and say that you are maybe, thinking about, perhaps trying to get pregnant you get flagged. Lithium is that bad for a fetus, according to my doctors and my husband, who is pharmacist.

If I get pregnant while on lithium my baby could be born with a heart defect. And it would be all my fault. I’ve been told this for the past seven years.

Sure, some doctors say it’s okay to stay on lithium during pregnancy, but I’ve only read of these doctors on the internet. None of the doctors I’ve ever went to have said it would be okay to stay on my lithium during the first trimester.

If I do wean myself off of my medication and get pregnant it will be a risky pregnancy in that I could become depressed or manic (aka dead inside or detached from reality.)

Contemplating pregnancy when you are bipolar is very isolating. I don’t know anyone else in this situation and feel most people either don’t, or wouldn’t, understand the severity of my decision whether or not to pursue pregnancy.

Never the less I have done all the things you shouldn’t do when you are not sure if you can get pregnant.

I’ve picked out names and can picture the baby in my head. She has my curly hair and spunk and Logan's mischievous smile and knack for science.

I’ve imagined how we would decorate the nursery and can almost hear her little giggle.

Yes, I’ve done every thing you should NOT do if you aren’t sure you can get pregnant. This little girl in my mind is just a figment of my imagination.

In reality, I have a lot of choices to make before I can get pregnant.

1. Do I want to be off of my meds completely during the pregnancy or at least first trimester?
2. Do I want to get on medications that are less risky?
3. Am I willing to risk another major episode of depression or mania?
4. Even if I am willing to make take this risk is that the responsible thing to do?
5. Could we financially afford to adopt a child?
6. If adoption is an option why am spending so much time obsessing about getting pregnant?

I believe in a woman’s right to chose, but when it comes to my own reproduction I wish I didn’t have so many choices to make.

Adoption clearly makes the most sense. It is best for my health, it is best for the environment (hello population control) and it is best for the child we would take in as our own. Yet, there is a narcissistic part of me that wants to create a baby that is a little part Arley, a little part Logan, and 100 percent ours.