Last weekend we watched a marathon of Drugs Inc. on the National Geographic Channel. Episode after episode we watched people trying to chase the high they remember from their first time. Some of the episodes featured drugs I had never even heard of.
I have never been adventurous when it comes to experimenting with drugs but I have experienced the rush and intensity of mind altering highs.
Mania and hypomania are a natural, and often unavoidable high, those of us with bipolar experience.
I, ever the conscientious person, always alert my therapist and doctor when I start to feel the buzz of hypomania. After being hospitalized in 2005 after a full blown manic episode I am determined to avoid mania at all cost.
But things have changed in my life. With the comfort and trust of a husband and the absence of a full-time job, I felt that a little hypomanic joy couldn’t hurt anybody.
When I noticed my mood start to escalate, I didn’t have the urge to call my doctor and ask if my lithium should be increased. Instead I embraced the urge the laugh, shop, dance, have sex (with my husband), drink wine and be happy. Really happy.
I started to wonder if maybe my giddiness might be a symptom of hypomania. My thoughts were also becoming more rapid.
I worried my last post about the pair of red corduroy pants embroidered with dogs that I recently bought my husband might be a sign that I hypomanic. Maybe, just maybe.
I thought my increased sex drive might be a sign. Perhaps, but my husband certainly wasn’t going to complain about that.
I blamed Christmas on my increased shopping and relished in the creativity my rapid thoughts produced.
When I started annotating 50 Shades of Grey for theological themes and cultural trends, I knew I had a problem.
Still, I didn’t want to lose the joy and insight my hypomanic buzz provided.
When you are manic or hypomanic, it’s as though you are looking at the night’s sky and the more manic you become the more constellations you are able to see, the more the dots connect, the more intense your happiness becomes. When you are manic the world is yours. And who wants to give that up?
My therapists picked up on my hypomania at our recent session. The longer I spoke, the more obvious it became.
She recommended that I talk to my doctor about increasing my lithium levels and told me I should cancel my plans to hit up the flea markets after our session.
You should not be shopping right now, she warned.
I made an appointment to follow up with my therapist in about a week and requested that my doctor (or his nurse) call to discuss changing my lithium dosage.
There, I thought, I did the responsible thing. There is no reason why I should not go to the flea markets. I had $40 cash burning a hole in my pocket.
My mind began to flood with all of the vintage home goods I could find. I had to go to the flea markets. I had to.
Then I paused.
No, I reminded myself. I don’t have to. I am still in control.
And that is the difference (or rather one of the differences) between mania and hypomania. When you are hypomanic you still have a certain amount of control. When you are manic you have no control. When you are manic you are captive to manic impulses and urges.
In the battle of bipolar disorder when you are hypomanic you still have the opportunity to retreat.
And that’s what I decided to do. I retreated. I didn’t go shopping. I talked to the nurse. I came home, cleared my thoughts and wrote this blog.
Battling the beast of mania, trying to chase that high, can be sad and descriptive as the lives I saw on Drugs Inc. It’s a battle I don’t want to fight. So today, I chose to retreat.
There but for the grace of God, and lithium, go I.
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